gasp!

i lie awake at night, gasping for air.
sweating profusely, shaking uncontrollably.
my chest is bursting; my heart feels like it is exploding.
i try to think of the sky, sea, vast expanses of space, anything to calm me down.

i think of my family, my friends far far away, and strangely my new puppy.
wondering if i want them to see me like this.
wondering if i should even tell them of nights like these.
it seems unfair that they should worry so.

i open my eyes and close them gently.
i mentally count to ten, taking deep breaths after every digit.
miraculously, my windpipe starts to function properly.
breathing is not a task anymore, its coming to me naturally.

i smile in relief and chastise myself for actually thinking that these were my last breaths ever.
i'm such a drama queen.

la la la

i am to count my blessings

i define my blessings as things that make me really grin like a mutt inside :

. thathi . amma . akka. nangi . aidan . a lifetime of amazing friends . nam-myo-ho-ren-ge-kyo . zinger meal . ice lemon tea . munaf . starbucks . sampournas . black nailpolish . google . musa'06 . trance . pics of zambia . co loured pens and paper . earrings . brandy/coke . sudoku . stars and moon . minesweeper . spongebob . naruto . bleach . jon bon jovi . hearing from old mates . random pictures . feeling hungry .

happiness: a nonsensical post.

a friend once accused me of depending on external things for happiness, and suggested i should find my own happiness.

i have been dawdling about this for a while - specially since this friend was someone i looked up to. to be honest, i felt pretty shitty/downright inferior/kiddish. i guess it hurts more when someone you thought understood you, throws it in your face.

real friends are honest with each other. real friends are there to point out your faults and give their input to help you fix things. real friends should criticize and take criticism well, but not to the point of making the other person feel inferior. then again, it is my fault for taking comments to heart.

i talked to someone older about this issue, and she quickly brushed aside the self-happiness comment saying that MOST people need external factors (money/friends/booze/music/nature/internet) to stock up on happiness. i could go on and on with this external factor list hehe.

true enough, if certain friends of mine did not have a life partner/family close by/a best friend/something stable in their lives, they'd be quite complicated and messed up (as they accuse me to be).

HARUMPH!

Where do I begin!?

Getting back on track. Is awfully difficult.

I absolutely hated doing my honours year, which was probably why it dragged on for years (1 and a half actually). My friends, supervisor and any human being that attempted two or more conversations with me during the past year are sick and tired of me. Trust me, I KNOW how silly and dramatic I've been.

'It's ONLY a thesis, get it over and done with, forget about it, just write any damn thing, are you kidding me... are you STILL doing it?, there are bigger things in life, life is going to get worse, its just not ur thing, accept that you cant do it and move on, for goodness sakes...just do it!!!!'

...GARGH, my mind is still in a twirl.

I spent TOO long complaining about everything. Pinning the blame on everything and everyone else. Worrying endlessly about things going wrong and it was a case of forcing myself to go through with it.

Gosh. WHY was it so difficult to complete.

Maybe its because I'm a perfectionist. A crazy one. I need to know that things will be A-OK before throwing myself into something.

Maybe its because everyone expects too much from me. But that's a lazy lie. I expect too much from me. To the point that it paralyzes me when things don't seem right.

Maybe its because I'm a spoilt brat who needs to stop making excuses and just make things happen from now on.

I have a lot to learn.

Do we become wiser when we finally realize that we're not as wise as we thought we were?

changes

i set up this account one year ago. somehow, 2007 was just too active/hectic, so i didnt have time to write down my thoughts. this year, many things have changed. i left malaysia, my temp home for 4 years and returned to sri lanka to be with my family. suddenly, time drags. life is dull and dowdy. unless i write something down, i will surely go loony. millions of thoughts going thru my head. some are senseless, boring, long and tedious.

ive attempted many blogs during the past 4 years, all depicting different sides of me. its time for change. for a clean slate. il probably import my better memorable blogs once i feel like it to this one. or maybe il give up on this and find comfort with one of my old ones.

for now, heres to a fresh start.